The Covenant (2006)

First off I had fun at this movie, even though it wasn't that great. I will explain the things I found funny and the general goofiness of "The Covenant".

The school and all it's student uniforms look suspiciously like Hogwarts. Hmm is this a hint of things to come?
It's a high school, but almost everyone lives on campus, but they have no rules. The Dean even talks to one of the Man-Witches about his trip to a local bar and doesn't seem concerned with the legality of this.
The school library apparently gets all it's books from Necronomicon publishing. I love how the school library has all these scary leather bound books about witch-craft, which help to conveniently explain plot points.


These are the two main female leads. They like to dress in sexy lingerie when no one is around. Also the blonde girl can start a whole bar dancing and singing just by playing a Joan Jett song, no witch-craft required. Blonde girl (names are not important in this movie) also does an amazing sexy dance at the drop of a hat, where was she when I went to high school? I might also mention that for a bar that caters to high school students they have a lot of sexy people there who look older than 18, and waitresses who don't wear underwear.


Here we are hanging out at the head Man-Witch house. It has lots of creepy things in it. Like large stuffed tigers. In no way does it look like a typical scary horror movie house.

I won't bother with any specifics of the plot cause, well it is all explained on the poster and trailer.

"In case that you didn't catch all the plot details as we bashed you over the head with them, I'm going to explain them very slowly."

What I wanted an explanation for was why it was raining outside the car, but they drove with top down and didn't get wet? Also the farm house that was in a clearing when they were looking at it two seconds ago, where did it go? They drove away and in the long shot the road is surrounded by trees. Hmm, dark forces are indeed at work here.



I got excited at the shower scene, but then I remembered it was a PG-13 movie. Honestly, would a little side-boob have been too much to ask for? She had a magic back tattoo that seemed to come and go later on.


Um, this is not what it looks like.


I'd make a face like that too if my burning farts were propelling me through the air.

The movie was fun in a goofy way, most people were laughing and cracking jokes during it. It was designed for a pre-teen crowd though. They felt that they had to explain everything to death.

Example:
Blonde girl is shown having a dream about spiders. Later her roommate (token black girl) becomes ill.

Blonde Girl: She's sick what's wrong with her
DR: It's like anaphylactic shock
BG: What's that?
DR: It's an allergic reaction, to something. Like an insect bite, from a spider maybe.
BG: Hmmm

The acting was not that great either. I'm pretty sure they auditioned the guys by asking them to strip, if they had abs that went past their balls, they were hired. I mean seriously slow down on the steroids, they are more dangerous than the witch craft. One of the best badly delivered lines was when they actually had the main man-witch say "My power is greater than yours", myself and two other people in the theater laughed at that.

The Ruins

 
The Story:
Four American friends on vacation in Cancun, Mexico, meet a German tourist that persuades them to join his hunt for his younger brother, who was last seen with his girlfriend near some mysterious ruins.

My Thoughts:
I loved this movie. It was scary, gory, and very tense. I really had no idea what kind of horror was waiting for them in the ruins. I never read the book, so I was just as shocked as they were. The movie has some OMFG cringe moments, that are worse than anything in "Hostel". They are worse because these characters are more developed and you care more about them.

This movie definitely reaffirms my belief that you should ever leave the United States BAD THINGS will happen to you. Of course bad things also happen when you go anywhere isolated in the U.S., so your best bet is to stay in the city, in a bunker.

The Unborn

The Story:
Casey Beldon hated her mother for abandoning her as a child. But when inexplicable events begin to happen, Casey begins to understand why she left. Plagued by merciless dreams and a tortured ghost that haunts her waking hours, she must turn to the only person, Rabbi Sendak, who can make it stop. With the help of Sendak, her best friend Romy and boyfriend Mark, Casey uncovers the source of a family curse dating back to Nazi Germany--a creature with the ability to inhabit anyone or anything that is getting stronger with each possession. With the curse unleashed, her only chance at survival is to shut a doorway from beyond our world that has been pried open by someone who was never born.

My 2 cents
First of all this movie is getting a lot of hate, and I don't think it deserves it. While not the most original horror film ever made, it's certainly not the worst either.

This is one of the few horror movies that takes it's demons and mythology from Judaism instead of Christianity. Gary Oldman does a good job as the Rabbi/Exorcist, but Oldman is the kind of actor who brings respect to anything he's in.

This movie has some amazingly creepy moments in it. The director, David Goyer, creates a very nightmare like atmosphere. There are several "jump" scares and believe me, they work. I'm not sure where they found all the disturbing children for this movie, but keep me away from that school. The ending is something that was hinted at early on and most horror vets can see coming a mile away.

The biggest problem I had with the movie was the feeling things were left out. It felt like many things were cut down or out just left out to get a PG-13. I know that the DVD will be unrated, and that will probably improve things a bit.

Jeepers Creepers (2001)

"Every 23 years, for 23 days, it gets to eat"

 The Plot:

A brother and sister driving home for spring break encounter a creature on an isolated country road.


My Thoughts:
 This movie is as far from the typical horror movie as you can get.  First there are none of the standard horror movie stereotypes.  No nerds, no jocks, no dumb blondes, and no sex starved co-eds.   Instead we have a normal brother and sister just trying to get home for spring break.

I'd just let him pass. 

Horror movies that take place in broad daylight are much more horrifying to me.  You expect things to go bump in the night, not to try and run you down during rush hour. 

Gina Philips and Justin Long during a rare quiet moment.

Trish and Darry generally avoid doing the standard stupid things.  I say generally, because they do one VERY stupid thing that sets the rest of the movie in motion.  Writer/director Victor Salva goes a long way to justify their stupid act, but I'm pretty sure most people would have kept on going.

This is how I picture all hitchhikers.

The "Creeper" himself is a bit of an enigma.  He uses ancient weapons, but he drives a truck.  A truck that looks to be a 1950's model, but drives like it has a jet engine in it.  We never really get a good explanation of the creeper, and that works for me.  The less you know about the boogeyman, the more frightening he is. 

Keeping things focused on the two siblings, raises the tension.    There aren't any extra teens around just to raise the body count. 

As someone who watches a lot of horror movies, one that breaks the mold is refreshing. 

Conan the Barbarian 3D (2011)

Well, I think we all know the story.

The second 1980's remake that a saw this weekend, and a huge disappointment.  So here's the good, the bad and the ugly of why.

The Good:

The riddle of steel.

Ron Perlman really shines as Conan's father.  The scenes with Perlman and young Conan, played by Leo Howard are the highlight of the movie.  The two share a natural chemistry that was missing from the other characters in the film.  

Way to turn a hot girl creepy.

 

Rose Mcgowan is very creepy as the witch Marique, who has a super disturbing love for her father Khlaer Zym.  She actually out creeped the main baddie.

“I live. I love. I slay…I am content.”

Jason Momoa is excellent as Conan .  He plays the character as manipulative and smart character, who relies on more than brawn to get his revenge. The only downside is that he doesn't have much chemistry with female lead.  I blame this more on Rachel Nichols however. 

The Bad:

I'm a thug with a daughter who wants to have sex with me.

The main villain, Kahler Zym, is very underwhelming. He came off as a thug, more suited to be a henchmen than the main baddie.  A hero needs an appropriate villain, this guy came off as someone who should have been fighting Conan's friends.

Besides the underwhelming baddie, plot holes the size of hoover dam are everywhere.  Characters who could use magic, but don't, people who risk the end of the world just to get laid, etc. 


The Ugly:
The Conan birth scene was the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen.  When the whole theater bursts out laughing, at what should have been a dramatic scene,  you know they have done something wrong. 

I'm a princess or a monk or something.

Rachel Nichols character was not very well defined.  You never really had a sense of who she was. She should have been as defined as Conan, instead you got a one dimensional character who was just there for Conan to have sex with.

All in all this a remake that is best skipped.

Fright Night 3D (2011)

 

 Charley Brewster (Anton Yelchin) is a high school senior who’s on top of the world—that is until Jerry (Colin Farrell) moves in next door and Charlie discovers that he is a vampire preying on the neighborhood.

As a huge fan of the original I was a little nervous when I heard it was being remade.  My fears were unfounded as it turns out.  This new version manages to stay true to the original while being updated for the 21st century.  

Screenwriter Marti Noxon, a veteran of "Buffy" and "Angel", knows a thing or two about how to write dialogue for horror movies.

You have to have faith for that to work.

Colin Farrell does a great job seeming confident and more than a bit smarmy as Jerry the vampire.  The entire cast deliver great performances, but one stands above the rest.  

Doctor Who?

David Tennant takes the role of Peter Vincent and runs with it.  Roddie McDowell played the character as a sad washed up actor looking for a break.  Tennant's Vincent is a magician and an arrogant coward who has exploited the vampire legend to make himself rich.  It's very shocking to see Tennant drinking, cussing and generally acting like a douche-bag.

Anyone looking to remake a horror movie should look to this as how it's done.   My only complaint is that the film being in 3D wasn't really necessary. There were a couple of times it was cool, but mostly it could have been 2D and been the same movie.

Super 8

 

The Plot: In the summer of 1979 a group of friends making a zombie movie stumble on more than they bargained for. 

My Two-Cents: This movie is every nerds dream.  You're hanging out with your best friends and that cute girl who you might have a chance with, while making a horror movie, sounds good right?  Oh and you also get to uncover a vast conspiracy and save the world, perfect.

While the nerd elements are important, they are not the whole movie.  The movie is really about repairing relationships and coming to terms with loss.  Some of the plot points were predictable and one scene at the end was a bit heavy handed.  That said, I enjoyed the movie and would throughly recommend it.