Dredd 3D

If your only exposure to Judge Dredd is the 1995 version with Sylvester Stallone, then you're in for a real shock with "Dredd 3D".
This version abandons all the giant robots and flying motorcycles and brings Dredd to a grittier more realistic world.  Admittedly, still not quite the same as the comics.  The comics were really a mix of both Dredd movies.  This version is about as close as you can get without starting to look like "Blade Runner".

Olivia Thirlby is better than Rob Schneider in every way. 

The plot is very simple Dredd and Judge trainee Anderson go to the Peachtree apartment complex to investigate a murder.  While there they bust a drug operation run by Ma-Ma played by Lena Headey. 

Seriously, don't fuck with her. 

 Ma-Ma locks down the building, all 250 floors of it, and announces it won't be opened until the Judges are both dead.  Dredd and Anderson have to escape Ma-Ma's goons and the apartment residents who want them dead. 
Removing the wild science fiction elements helped make Dredd more accessible, but it also made it more generic.  The plot was so simple that you could put just about any set of  characters into it.   This could have easily been a Robocop film, or a Jason Statham film. 

While "Dredd 3D" is a great action film, it just doesn't do much to distinguish its self from other action movies. 

and no, he never takes off the helmet. 

 

Halloween Movie Marathons, Part 1

This time of year I enjoy getting getting a group of friends together for a horror movie marathon.  In the case of me and my friends, more than one.  This year we're doing themes to each marathon.  The first theme is cold weather horror movies.  Here's our list of movies for a "chilling" good time.

 1. "30 Days of Night"

This movie was not approved by the Alaska tourism board. 

There's an old saying that the nights are six months long in Alaska.  That's not quite true, but if you had to deal with a vampire invasion for a solid month, you might think they were.  This movie has a very simple plot, but it's well executed and insanely scary.  Always great to see vampires being bloodsucking monsters instead of angsty teens. 

 2. "The Shining"

Here's Johnny.  

A horror classic that really needs no introduction.  This film has been terrifying people for decades and rightfully so.  The part that scares me more than Nicholson is the isolation.  I like to be close to civilization, I need modern conveniences. 

3. "Misery"

Why don't people go to warm places to write?

A creepy, very personal horror movie.  Worse than having a slasher try to kill you is being helpless and having to live with one. 


4. "The Thing"

No one gets paid enough to deal with this.

  Another horror classic that's a must for any good scare-fest.   One question about this movie though, why is Wilford Brimley one of the few guys without a beard?

5.  "Let Me In"

A great film with inspired performances from Chloë Grace Moretz and Richard Jenkins.  Before anyone says anything, yes I know this is a remake.  I like this version better, thanks. 

The Cabin In The Woods

The symbols are clues

This review will be short.  Not because I don't have a lot to say about the movie, but because I don't want to spoil it. 
"The Cabin In The Woods" is simultaneously the greatest homage and indictment of horror movies.  Until this movie I wouldn't have thought it possible to celebrate a genre, while pointing out it's flaws. Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard pull it off with amazing results though.  Part of the fun of this movie is watching it again (and again) looking for the references to other horror movies. 

My only complaint is that the nature of the story doesn't allow you tell very much without spoiling the movie.  I've watched a fair share of horror movies, and I didn't see this twist coming.  The same way "Scream" was a breath of fresh air in the 90's, this movie really changes how you look at horror movies. 

Go watch this tonight, and then watch it again once you know the secret.   You will not be disappointed. 

I want this job. 

The Apparition (2012)

 The Story: A couple are haunted by a supernatural presence that is unleashed during a college experiment.


My Thoughts: I had high hopes going to see this.  Ghost hunters that not only found a ghost, but it comes after them for revenge, sounds like a great concept.  It turned out to be just another by the numbers horror flick.  I can picture the studio executives at the meeting to green light this. 

Soulless Executive #1: We need a cheap horror movie, what's popular right now that we can exploit?
Yes Man: Well, ghost hunting is pretty popular how about that?
Soulless Executive #1: I like that, lots of POV shots, shaky cams, and super dark scenes where you can't see anything.
Yes Man: Exactly, and we'll only have six or seven people in the whole thing, so we can save salaries.
Soulless Executive #1: We're going to want to keep it PG-13 though, we need the "Twilight" crowd to flock to this.
Yes Man: Good call, and I think we can get an actress from that series as well.
Soulless Executive #1:  Kristen Stewart would be willing to do this?
Yes Man: I said an actress, lol. 
Soulless Executive #1:  My bad, sorry. 
Yes Man: If we keep it PG-13 we won't be able to have any nudity or sex scenes, those always go over big in horror movies. 
Soulless Executive #1:  Hmm, well throw in a shower scene but don't have any actual nudity.  Let them use their imagination, and then have her run around in some lingerie for a bit. 
Yes Man: Works for me.  

Never get dressed when you think demons are out to murder you.  

Soulless Executive #1:  That Harry Potter kid is doing horror now, can we get him?
Yes Man: No, but we can get Tom Felton, he played Draco Malfoy in the Potter films.
Soulless Executive #1:  Will anyone know that?
Yes Man: Yes and this will bring in the people who hate "Twilight". 
Soulless Executive #1:  Okay, but dress him so he looks a little like the Potter kid OK?  Oh and since "The Avengers" made a billion dollars grab someone connected to that movie too. 
Yes Man: Got it.

I sound smarter than the others because I have an English accent. 

Soulless Executive #1:  Now let's add in a creepy child scene for no reason, have everyone do incredibly stupid things, and tack on a weirdly ambiguous scare ending.
Yes Man: We'll have it ready in a month.  

That pretty much sums up the movie.   Lots of other little things bothered me too.  Kelly (Ashley Greene) takes a heat sensing camera out of storage.  The camera has been there for years, yet the batteries are 100%.  Patrick (Tom Felton) makes a safe room to hide from the ghost.  It has food, bottled water and two beds, but no toilet. 

My verdict: Wait for the DVD, I wish I had. 

The Beastmaster

The Beastmaster (1982)
Directed by Don Coscarelli
Starring:
Marc Singer ... Dar
Tanya Roberts ... Kiri
Rip Torn ... Maax
John Amos ... Seth

The Plot:
King Zed is betrayed by his high priest Maax (not a typo they spell it with two A's) is overthrown and has his unborn son stolen from him. Maax has a witch magically transfer Zed's son from the womb of his wife to that of a cow. The witch then takes the cow into the woods and cuts the baby from it and is about to kill him, when a peasant farmer stops her. Taking the boy home he names him Dar and raises him as his own son. They later discover that because of the way Dar was born he can control animals.
When a barbarian horde attacks the village, Dar goes on a quest for revenge.


Apparently peasant farmers have access to great gym equipment.

My thoughts:
I love this movie, I really do. Let's just talk characters for a minute.


Rip Torn is the evil priest Maax who looks like he just missed being in "the Road Warrior". Where exactly did he get the tiny skulls for his dreads? He also liked "arrr" sounds.


John Amos, plays Seth one of the king's bodyguards who survived the rebellion that Maax started. It was really a shock to see the dad from "Good Times" in some of the outfits he wore in this movie.


That outfit is dynamite!


I'm not going to comment on the obvious sexual nature of this photo.


Tanya Roberts played Kiri, the slave girl who is more than she appears to be. Yes there was a gratuitous boob scene with her and I didn't mind a bit. The movie was rated PG, which meant HBO showed it in the afternoon and I got to see boobs, another reason this is a classic.

The movie is filled with things that don't make sense. Bat people (or bird people) that appear to be cannibals, but help the heroes out. Glow worms that make people crazy, barbarian hordes that don't fit in with the rest of the plot, they're all there.

To me the whole movie was a teenagers D&D game brought to life. It had just enough plot to keep it moving, the rest was half naked people fighting and casting spells.

This is the type of movie that when I saw it at age 11, I thought it was a masterpiece. Later viewings showed me how I may have misjudged the quality. Now I look at this as one of those movies I will always watch when it's on late night cable. The nostalgia overpowers the bad writing and acting in the end.

The Collector

The Collector

Desperate to repay his debt to his ex-wife, an ex-con plots a heist at his new employer's country home, unaware that a second criminal has also targeted the property, and rigged it with a series of deadly traps.

This is the worst horror movie I've seen a long time. The plot was so full of holes it was ridiculous. I'm not worried about spoiling anything because I wouldn't let anyone I consider a friend waste money or time on this movie. So you've read the basic plot above, here's what it leaves out. Yes the ex-con (Arkin) breaks into the house and finds it rigged with traps, but why is it rigged? The "Collector" has the husband and wife hostage in the basement, and wants to keep them there to torture them. He had no idea Arkin was coming. So what was the point of the traps?

The time line is very muddled as well. They show Arkin leave the house at 5pm and there are still lots of people around. Assuming the other workers were all gone by 6pm, and the families teenage daughter was gone by 6:30pm (she wasn't kidnapped) so he would have got them between 6:30 and 7pm. Arkin returns at 11:30pm, somehow this "collector" managed to subdue the family and rig up dozens of traps in just a few hours.

The traps are ridiculous as well. The only person who could set up a room full of bear traps, glue and various snares in such a short time is this guy:

Maybe "the Collector" was a disgruntled ACME employee.

Another plot hole, when Arkin arrived he picked the lock to the back door to get in. Later they show him unable to leave through the back door because it's locked with eight deadbolts that require keys to open from the inside. How did he get in by picking only one lock then?

The piece de resistance of this movie came when the teenage daughter arrived home. She gets home with her boyfriend and they have the most gratuitous kitchen sex scene ever. The whole time they're getting it on the "collector" is watching and licking his tongue out of his mask. It was like bad fetish porn.

If Arkin had just brought a cell phone, the movie would have been over in ten minutes. 

 

One final question/comment, why was he "The Collector" they said he "always saves one", WHY?

This is another movie trying to cash in on the torture porn genre, and it fails.

John Dies at the End

It's a drug that promises an out-of-body experience with each hit. On the street they call it Soy Sauce, and users drift across time and dimensions. But some who come back are no longer human. Suddenly a silent otherworldly invasion is underway, and mankind needs a hero. What it gets instead is John and David, a pair of college dropouts who can barely hold down jobs. Can these two stop the oncoming horror in time to save humanity? No. No, they can't.

This is the horror movie I am most looking forward to this year.  Based on the novel by David Wong it looks to be the best horror/comedy since "Army of Darkness".  If you haven't read the book yet, go get it and read it. 
If the movie can manage to be half as simultaneously funny/scary/weird as the book it will be and instant classic.  I trust Don Coscarelli and since he was able to pull off "Bubba Ho-Tep" I think he will do a great job here.